Light As A Feather

*Late night stream of consciousness as I’m about to konk out on my sofa*

I remember once in accountability, the four of us spent a while dissecting what it’s like to be acting in light of new truth and paradigm shifts. To know that such times in life are like growing pains and experiments, in that you know something’s happening and you know something is going to happen, but the journey of getting there is unknown. And we try to step out in boldness to do what we think is the new, correct way to go about an event.

I remember in high school when my homeboy Kenny once brought up in AP Lit how beautiful it was to watch a belief of yours die. What you once were so passionate about, all of sudden it dies a glorious death, as something far more beautiful and sensical comes to life. Like pruning, the old must die so that the new must come.

And now I’m in that interesting phase as I watch these two beautiful truths collide in my life. In explosions of colors in my mind, and as the entire chapter unfolds, I sit analyzing and trying to understand what in the world God is doing with me. Observing so much.

The boldness it is taking me to step out of one truth to the next.

The frustration I have experienced in fighting the selfish desires of my reputation.

The sadness I have felt in watching what I think is beautiful die.

The anxiety of not knowing. Not knowing what goes on in that mind. In that heart. In that soul of yours.

I’m watching my philosophy be burned. The very roots of my nature, changing. And it always seems like I’m deconstructing. I’m in repair.

And all this time, I really have only clung on to two things. God and you. And that’s scary. I’d almost say, it’s wrong. But is it really? Is it a lack of surrender, or is it a bold move that will pay off dividends that even I cannot comprehend?

I guess it’s fair to say, despite my logical tendencies, I am at the core, an idealist. An optimist. I want the best. I want this to prevail. I want this to happen.

Yet, timing timing timing. Maturity maturity maturity. Affections. Approval. Standards. Understanding. Wisdom. Patience. Godliness. Healing. Eyes fixed on the cross. Nothing I hold onto.

So the real problem? Is it really a lack of surrender, or a lack of understanding, or am I playing it all right? Is patience a virtue I’m learning, or foolishness blindfolding me?

And then WHAM. God, please please please take my eyes off of.. me. Off of her. Off of them. Off of all of this. May I bask in the love you lavishly pour on me every moment of my life, and may you be what my affections are placed in. May You be my solid rock. May my feet not be set on sinking sand, but rather be upon the steadfast rock of Your Word. The gospel. May I love to love you. May I seek to seek you. You are a faithful God, and You who are faithful to do such a great work in the greatest men in the walk, do that to me. Even if it hurts. Even if it burns. May I be able to confidently say that friend and foe may leave and despise me, but I have stayed my heart on You. In You. With You. Through You. Lord, create in me a pure heart. May my sacrifices to you be a broken and contrite spirit. May I joyfully present to you my body, a spiritual act of worship. May I love to labor, and labor to love those around me. Lord, have mercy upon me, a sinner saved by grace. Now, Your righteousness. I am now, Your beloved. And I love, love, love that. And I worship You for that.

And may, after all this turmoil, may it happen. Like a sailor off at sea for months in and out. As the storms howl, the clouds gather, the waves crash upon my ship, may I come home, knowing I have one thing on earth I have loved and fought for with my life. And may I see that face. And may it be my peace and joy. May it be the most beautiful image of Christ I will ever experience and come to know on this earth, until I meet You face to face, on that great day.